Imagine
a store that doesn't bother putting together any policies or procedures.
No one has ever decided what their business hours will be, so the
customers don't know when the shop will be open -- it could be 10-2
one day and 6-6 another day. No one has decided what the store will
sell, so customers don't know if they will get flowers or salami
when they walk in the front door. And the owner has never bothered
to set a policy about the type of payment the store accepts, so
a customer who paid with a credit card on Monday might be told "cash
only" on Tuesday. People have to guess how this shop is going to
function from day to day, and no one ever knows what to expect or
how to behave. I would have to imagine that both the shop employees
and the customers are going to get pretty frustrated and irritated
at the situation.
It's the same way with your personal life -- if you don’t tell people
how you operate, they won't know how to interact with you in a way
that you both find mutually satisfying. Too often, we expect other
people to read our minds, to automatically know how we need them
to act toward us during every minute of the day. And when they behave
differently than what we had hoped, we get angry -- when what we
really should do is communicate our needs a little better. Unfortunately,
we don't always exactly know what we need -- we just know what we
don't like, don't want, and are fed up with. But that's a great
start!
WHAT ARE YOU TIRED OF TOLERATING?
Think about all of the times in your life when you have interacted
with another person and felt invaded, violated, or disrespected
by the experience. Maybe you thought that person took advantage
of you. Or perhaps you felt as though you didn't stand up for yourself
like you should have. Those incidents felt uncomfortable and frustrating
because you allowed the other person to cross a very important line
with you. Each of us has developed a set of unconscious rules about
how we want to be treated -- how we want our time, space, belongings,
and personal qualities to be respected by others.
The problem is that on a conscious level, we are unwilling to assert
these demands. And this happens for many reasons -- we don't want
to cause an imposition for someone else, we've convinced ourselves
that we are wrong, we've fallen into a habit of disregarding our
feelings, or we think that this is just how life is supposed to
work. So we continue to tolerate unacceptable behavior -- usually
because it just seems like too much work to try and change things.
Take a few minutes to make a list of all the things that you are
tired of tolerating. The following are some examples from my clients'
lists. Do any of these sound familiar? I'm tired of my kids leaving
their stuff all over the house, expecting me to pick it up.
- I'm tired of my boss throwing an "urgent" project on my desk at
5 PM on a Friday afternoon.
- I'm tired of my mother always criticizing the way that I keep
my house.
- I'm tired of feeling like I'll lose my clients if I'm not at their
beck and call 24 hours a day.
- I'm tired of spending all day Saturday running errands for everyone
else in my family.
- I'm tired of never seeing my kids because I have to work all weekend.
- I'm tired of husband scheduling a social engagement for us and
then not telling me until the last minute.
- I'm tired of my co-workers interrupting me while I'm trying to
get some work done. - I'm tired of staying at the office late every
night while everyone else goes home on time.
IT ALL STARTS WITH YOU If you will look closely at each of these complaints,
they all have to do with the way that one person allows another
person to treat him or her. Notice that I didn't say "it has to
do with how other people treat you." It is your responsibility to
let people know exactly what you expect from them -- what is acceptable
behavior and what is not. When someone crosses a line the first
time, it's their fault. When it happens again, it's your fault.
And while you can't change other people's behavior, you absolutely
can change what you are willing to put up with!
But let me offer a word of warning before you start laying down
ground rules. You have to be willing to back them up with action.
If you decide that you are not going to work past 5:00 anymore and
your boss insists that you stay late, are you willing to stand up
to your boss and be true to your convictions? And if the fact that
your boss continually insists that you work late becomes a real
problem for you, are you willing to look for another job? If your
family members don't put their clothes in the laundry basket before
wash day like you agreed upon, are you willing to let everyone walk
around in dirty underwear? How committed are you to your own needs
and desires? This is not an exercise for the faint-hearted!
LAYING DOWN THE GROUND RULES
Once you decide that you are really ready to dig in, the first step
is to think about the kinds of rules you would need to set up in
your life to keep each of those "tolerations" from ever happening
again. Go ahead and write them down -- they will seem more concrete
and easier to implement if they are on paper. For example, if you
are tired of having to put your own plans aside at the last minute
because someone in your family failed to tell you that they had
a ballgame or a party or a field trip, you might decide to lay down
the following rules: We will have a family planning meeting once
a week on Sunday evenings.
- During that meeting, each family member will discuss any upcoming
plans they have for the week.
- We will write each member's activities on a centralized family
calendar.
- If you need supplies, a ride, something bought, or anything else
for an activity, bring it up at the meeting.
- If you don't mention it at the meeting and then need something
at the last minute, it is your responsibility.
This might sound harsh and rigid and fascist, but if you look at
the CHAOTIC way that some people operate, a little fascism might
be in order! You don't have to be incredibly hard-nosed with your
rules, but it's important for people to know what you are willing
to do and what you are not willing to do -- up front. That way,
when little Johnny decides that he needs cupcakes for the school
party at 10:00 the night before, you can explain to him why you
aren't going to make them. And the next time, he'll learn to plan
ahead a little better. You are actually helping the people around
you to learn valuable time management skills -- while you create
a little more sanity in your own life.
MY OWN STORY
When I first started my organizing business, I most assuredly did
not practice what I preached! I felt like I had to give every spare
minute of my time to my clients, or I wouldn't be successful. So
I worked weekends and evenings and I would schedule clients at whatever
time (and for whatever length of time) worked best for them. I had
no time to get any of my administrative work done or to attend other
business functions, and I gave up any semblance of a personal life.
I essentially allowed my clients to dictate my schedule -- to run
my life. I finally decided that if I wanted to have a healthy life,
and a healthy business, I needed to set some policies and procedures
-- some boundaries -- around how I used my time.
So I thought about what I wanted and what I didn't want. I didn't
want to work more than 8 hours a day -- including travel time to
and from clients. So I decided that I would see divide my day into
2 three-hour blocks -- a three-hour organizing session in the morning
and another in the afternoon. This would leave me plenty of time
for lunch, travel time, and I would get home no later than 5:30
each day. I would no longer schedule appointments for evenings and
weekends -- but I lined up a number of other organizers who could
take those clients that I wasn't able to service (for a small referral
fee, of course!) I would be happy to run extra errands for clients
-- shop for supplies, take their donations to a local shelter, etc.
-- but I increased my hourly rate to cover the time I would spend.
And I would leave one day free per week for administrative work.
I put sticky notes in my calendar to remind me of the rules I set
for myself. I blocked off my admin days in my calendar, and I even
highlighted the times of day that I had committed for client sessions
(so that I wouldn't accidentally schedule someone at the wrong time).
I stopped asking clients, "When do you want to get together?" and
started saying, "I'm free Monday, Wednesday, and Friday mornings
-- which of those works for you?" I regained control over my schedule.
And I'll be honest, it was hard making these changes -- not for
my clients, but for me.
My clients were happy to work within whatever framework I offered
them, and I never got one complaint about these new policies. In
fact, people respected my choice to have a life again, and asked
me to help them do the same thing. And over time, these "policies"
have become second-nature to me -- I don't even have to think about
them. And all it took is making up my mind that I didn't want to
live that way anymore. Imagine that! I can do it, you can too!"
Ramona
Creel is the founder of OnlineOrganizing.com
--
offering "a world of organizing solutions!"
Visit OnlineOrganizing.com
for organizing products, free tips, a speakers bureau -- and even
get a referral for a Professional Organizer near you. And if you
are interested in becoming a Professional Organizer, we have all
the tools you need to succeed. (Copyright 2000, Ramona Creel)
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