I can't
tell you how often I hear my friends, colleagues, and clients complain
about how other people just don't RESPECT their time. You've probably
experienced it too -- either at home or at work. People simply assuming
that you are free to help out with a project or attend a meeting --
without even asking if you are available. Folks dropping by your home
or your office to "chat" during your work hours, not giving a thought
to the fact that you might be busy. Your kids expecting to be chauffeured
from activity to activity all weekend long -- never once imagining
that you might have other plans. And the advent of the cell phone,
pager, fax, and e-mail have made it all even worse. So many of us
feel like we have to drop everything and deal with each request as
it comes in, lest we waste the other person's time by making them
wait for a response. But what about our time? Isn't it just as important?
There is one hard truth out there that most people don't want to face
-- you are responsible for the fact that other people either respect
or don't respect your time. There is no one else to blame but yourself.
You have to teach people how to use your time -- you have to be the
one to set some boundaries about what is acceptable and what is not.
The only reason that folks take advantage of you, expect too much
from you, or don't respect your personal free time is that you have
ALLOWED them to behave that way in the past. But if you draw a different
line in the sand -- put develop some "time management ground rules"
and stick to them -- you will be amazed at the change not only in
yourself, but in the people around you.
SET ASIDE TIME FOR YOU
When we talk about scheduling "me time" into your calendar,
most people think of an hour spent lounging in the bathtub or a weeklong
retreat in which you re-discover your inner child. But time for yourself
includes any time that you spend doing the things that keep you sane.
For some people, that means time for exercise or meditation or an
enjoyable hobby -- others might use their "me time" to work on a business
project that they can't seem to fit into the regular 9 to 5 grind.
My sister devotes much of her personal time remodeling -- which sounds
way too much like work to me! But she'll take an entire week off at
a time to "play with her house," because that's what makes her feel
good and helps calm the craziness.
For my own personal sanity, I need to have one day a week in which
I take care of what I call administrative work -- both business and
personal. I might return phone calls, answer e-mails, pay bills, buy
groceries, or clean house. Or I might choose to really dig into a
writing or web project that I've been looking forward to. But I may
also have a long phone conversation with a friend who lives 3000 miles
away, go on an early morning bike ride, get my hair cut, attend a
yoga class, have a massage, or spend time working on mosaics. I consider
my "admin time" a chance to reconnect with all the different areas
of my life -- business, home, artistic, physical, social, and spiritual.
But the point is, whatever you enjoy doing with your "me time," treat
it like it is sacred. I have actually marked off every Thursday for
the rest of the year as my admin days (Thursdays are when my yoga
class is scheduled). I have physically drawn a line through the entire
day with the word "Admin" written across the top -- leaving me no
room to write in any other appointments. And nothing short of a medical
emergency (or a vacation!) is going to get me to give up those Thursdays.
I often have a client ask me, "Can you get together on Thursday?"
My answer is always, "No, I'm sorry but I'm not available that day."
I can't tell you how long it took for me to become comfortable saying
that! How dare I turn down an appointment with another person when
I don't have anything else in my schedule that day?! Ah, but I do.
I have an appointment with myself.
BALANCE YOUR FREE, FOCUS, AND BUFFER DAYS
I once read an article by a personal coach (and I apologize for not
remembering the name!) who offered a very simple system for using
your time in the most efficient way possible. He suggested that you
break your schedule into "focus days," "free days," and "buffer days."
“Focus days” are those in which you do whatever it is that brings
home the bacon -- see clients, make sales calls, or (in the case of
unpaid homemakers) manage your household. On those days, you do nothing
but focus on your job. Then on “free days,” you do no work at all
-- not even checking your e-mail, returning a phone call, or putting
in a load of laundry. You take that entire day to simply rest, relax,
have fun, and recharge the old batteries. Finally, “buffer days” are
for all of those little chores that have to be done, but don't really
make you any money. That's the day for administrative work, personal
errands, dentist appointments, trips to the library, etc.
I'll tell you, a number of things attracted me to this philosophy.
First of all, it becomes incredibly easy to draw clear boundaries
around your time. You are simply going to focus on one type of activity
all day long -- no confusion and no waffling about what to do. If
someone asks you to do work on a "free day" or do some mindless chore
on a "focus day," you know the answer is "no," plain and simple. Second,
it creates an automatic sense of balance between the many activities
in your life, requiring you to spend some of your time at work and
some at play. Third, you really do use your time more efficiently
when you settle into one mindset for the entire day -- either work
or play. It's the mental (and physical) switching of gears that slows
us down, eats up so much of our time, and distracts us from really
enjoying what we are doing at that moment.
Best of all, it's not a rigid system. You can label as many days in
a week as "free" or "focus" or "buffer" as you need to, and you have
the freedom to change a day's activities around at will. I've even
broken it down further, counting my time before lunch as a "focus"
period, and the time after lunch (when I'm sort of brain dead) as
a "buffer" zone. Although you may not have total control over your
schedule -- especially when you work a 9 to 5 job -- you can still
apply these principles to your life, making weekdays "focus" days,
setting aside one day a week for "buffer" activities, and saving at
least one weekend day as "free."
LEARN HOW TO SAY "NO"
Tell me if this sounds familiar -- someone asks you to do something
that you really don't want to do or you honestly don't have time for.
It might be a church bake sale, a school fundraiser, participating
on a committee, or even just working late. But you feel like you will
let the other person down if you say no. You feel guilty already,
and you haven't even turned them down yet! So you say, "Sure," even
though doing so is going to put you under tremendous stress and pressure.
You know that you will probably end up resenting this activity, and
maybe even ducking some of your responsibilities because your heart's
just not in it, but you go ahead and agree anyway.
Why are we so afraid to tell people "no"? For some reason, we have
been taught that "no" is disrespectful -- and even insulting. We seem
to value other people's time more than our own -- feeling that we
need to bend over backward to accommodate others, even if it inconveniences
us. I know we're atoning for the 1980's, but let's be reasonable!
"No" is actually one of the healthiest words that can come out of
your mouth. When you tell someone "no," you are really saying that
you understand and accept your own limits, and don't want to do a
shoddy job by overwhelming yourself. That you value your time and
priorities and aren't willing to take away from the truly important
things in your life. A little selfishness is necessary, if you want
to maintain a balanced and sane life!
OFFER AN ALTERNATIVE
So how do you say "no" without insulting the other person, feeling
consumed with guilt, or hurting your own credibility? We need to find
a way to say "no" without dragging up all of those hidden fears --
they'll think I'm lazy or selfish, that I have no career drive, that
I'm not ambitious, that I have no concern for other people. And it's
time to give up all of those roles you're so proud of -- supermom,
martyr, hero -- but are keeping you from finding true peace. Once
you've accepted that you have the right (and often responsibility)
to turn someone down, you can do it in a way that doesn't seem like
a rejection.
The best way to tactfully dodge a request is to offer another alternative.
If you can't do participate at this moment because you are too busy,
but you would really like to help at a later time, say so. "I'm sorry,
I can't do it right this minute -- but my schedule will be freed up
by Friday afternoon, if you still need some help." Or you might suggest
another, more appropriate resource. "I'm too busy to help you plan
that meeting right now, but I have a friend who has been wanting to
get involved. I'm sure she would love to participate. Let me give
you her number."
And finally, if you are asked to do a job that really doesn't interest
you or is outside your area of expertise, offer to help with another
task that is more suitable. "That's really not my strong suit -- but
I would be happy to help out with (drawing posters, setting up the
meeting room, working out a budget, etc.)" You will assuage your guilt,
and feel as though you are still making a contribution, when you follow
that "no" with a suggestion for getting the job done another way.
STOP CARRYING THE WORLD ON YOUR SHOULDERS
It can be incredibly difficult to accept the fact that you don't have
to do everything yourself. Our society has conditioned us not only
to think that we can do it all, but that we should do it all! People
like to imagine themselves as indispensable -- falling prey to the
"no one else can do it as well as I can" syndrome. We become unwilling
to delegate jobs to other people, to ask for help, or to simply say,
"I can't / am not going do that." Then we get overloaded, frustrated,
and resentful of all of the responsibilities heaped on our backs --
even though we're the ones who said, "pile them on!"
But understand one thing -- as far as everyone else in the world is
concerned, you are replaceable. I don't mean as a human being -- of
course you are a unique individual and we would all miss you if you
were gone. But I'm talking about the tasks you complete, the responsibilities
you take on -- the favors you do for other people. If you can't do
it, they'll find someone else.
It's amazing how often we think, "If I don't do it, it won't get done."
Yes it will -- if it really needs to be done in the first place. When
I start to think that the world will stop turning if I don't check
an item off of my "to-do" list, I always ask myself, "What if I got
hit in the head with a tree tomorrow? How would this job get done?"
When the answer is, "So-and-so would help out," I feel a lot more
comfortable asking "so-and-so" to help out now (before I end up in
the hospital in a coma!) If the answer is, "It wouldn't get done --
it's not that important," I think very hard about whether that task
is even worth my time in the first place. It's amazing what a life
and death situation (imagined or real!) will do for your perspective!
STICK TO YOUR GUNS
One final word of encouragement. It is going to be hard for you to
set these kinds of boundaries in your life -- especially if you have
been accustomed to letting other people dictate how you use your time.
But it is a silent battle that is well worth fighting. And one might
say that this fight is crucial to your survival in a crazy world with
out-of-whack priorities about how we use our time.
As you begin to reclaim your schedule, you will hear comments like,
"Well you were always available to babysit at the last minute before"
-- or, "You never had a problem with working on the weekends in the
past." Your answer is simply, "My situation has changed. Sorry, but
I can't do it this time." Period -- end of story. You do not have
to explain yourself or justify why you are finally taking time to
do the things you want to do. Understand that most folks out there
believe that having no free time, feeling stressed and pressured,
and giving up your entire life for others is simply the status quo.
You will have to convert them by setting an example.
So if other people don't understand at first, they will when they
begin to see the positive changes in your life. Suddenly, people will
be asking, "How is it that you can have time for a hobby (or reading
for pleasure or travel or spending a day at the park with your kids)?
Can you tell me your secret?" And that's an amazing day -- because
you get to help one more person regain control over his or her life.
You are spreading the gospel of "setting boundaries" -- you touch
one person and those people each touch one person and soon we have
a society that's regained a sense of perspective about its priorities.
Hallelujah!
Ramona
Creel is the founder of OnlineOrganizing.com
--
offering "a world of organizing solutions!"
Visit OnlineOrganizing.com
for organizing products, free tips, a speakers bureau -- and even
get a referral for a Professional Organizer near you. And if you
are interested in becoming a Professional Organizer, we have all
the tools you need to succeed. (Copyright 2000, Ramona Creel)
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